For the past month or so I’ve been reading Dr. Brene Brown’s book Rising Strong. To put it simply, the book is about rising after you fall. Even though it’s a little more intricate than that, I’ll leave it at that.
Part of rising when you fall is learning to set boundaries, knowing what you want and being real with yourself. As I’m reading this book I’m learning that I’m not as good at setting boundaries as I thought. I found that my expectations of people aren’t always as clear as I think. So as the work in progress that I am, I’m working on it.
I also found that setting boundaries isn’t easy yet it’s very necessary if you’re going to live purposefully. In her book and in this video, Brene says…
“Boundaries are simply our lists of what’s okay and what’s not okay.“
I know it seems so simple. But let me ask you a few questions, do you have any boundaries? Have you identified what’s okay and what’s not okay in your life? Are they clear to those you interact with in life, love and work?
So even though we are no longer chatting about focus this month on periscope, I believe that boundaries come with focus. I believe that you can be more focused when you’ve created boundaries for what’s okay and what’s not okay. It makes saying yes and no that much easier. It makes knowing what to focus on easier when you already know what you want or what you expect.
Dr. Brene asks this question,
“What boundaries do I need to put in place so I can work from a place of integrity and extend the most generous interpretations of the intentions, words, and actions of others?“
She goes in to say,
“When we combine the courage to make clear what works for us and what doesn’t with compassion to assume people are doing their best, our lives change.“
Dr. Brene further asks this question about boundaries as it relates to self worth and self-value. She asks,
“How can we expect people to put value in our work when we don’t value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries?“
Listen, there is so much more where that came from therefore I think the topic of boundaries is huge when we talk about focus and fear (our new topic this month). I think boundaries help us focus, keep us clear on our expectations and allow us to live in a place & space void of unwanted feelings because we are clear on what’s acceptable and what’s not. We are clear on what we will allow and what we won’t.
Do you have clear expectations of what’s acceptable and what’s not in your life?
Maybe things have gotten out of hand because there were no clear-cut expectations expressed.
Maybe things didn’t turn out the way you desired because you didn’t really know what you wanted or maybe you did but you went against that ‘gut’ feeling by accepting what you knew you should have said NO to.
I know reading Brene’s book has allowed me to see that there have been some cloudy spaces in my life that I believe have lead to frustration because I wasn’t clear on what I wanted. Or I knew what I wanted but didn’t ask because I didn’t want to seem complicated, overbearing, etc. But life has taught me that the only way real peace is created is when boundaries are created at the jump. I have to be clear on what I want and not afraid to ask for it, whether it’s money, love, time, etc.
Brene says
“compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
She goes in to say,
“as miserable as resentment, disappointment, and frustration make us feel, we fool ourselves into believing that they’re easier than the vulnerability of a difficult conversation. The truth is that judgment and anger take up way more emotional bandwidth for us.“
Ooooohhh that’s good…
- Are you carrying resentment due to unclear expectations and boundaries?
- Are you angry and resentful simply because you don’t want to have ‘that’ difficult conversation?
I’m still working through the book, so expect me to come back and share more of my ahas, but I want you to think about some of the questions Dr. Brene poses as well as those that I’ve asked. If you aren’t content with setting clear yet uncomfortable boundaries, then that may be why things aren’t going as smoothly as you’d like them to.
Part of focus is being clear on what’s acceptable and what’s not. Part of living purposefully in every area of your life, is setting boundaries that allow you to operate in your most loving and best self. It’s not about being who and what others want you be and denying yourself at the expense of others, which is what many angry, resentful and frustrated people are doing.
Are you one of them?
Part of living purposefully in every area of your life, is setting boundaries that allow you to operate in your most loving and best self.
Your assignment:
Go back through these questions and get really open and honest with yourself on whether you’ve created clear and concise boundaries. If you have, great! But if you haven’t, take some time to get clear on your list of what’s okay and what’s not okay and then be willing to be vulnerable enough to have those hard, uncomfortable yet needed conversations with yourself and others.
P.S. If any of the messages I share are hitting home, make sure you tweet me, share a post on facebook or comment on my blog. Let me know you are reading and hit me up to give a girl some love.
Ready to get out of your own way and get to the business of living? Join me and a host of other fabulous women in the #iSpeakLife Society Private FB Group for Women of Faith desiring to Live Purposefully and Grow Spiritually. bit.ly/ispeaklifesociety
Join every Monday – Thursday at 7:15am EST for your Morning #LifeScope. Each morning I am sharing tools, tips & strategies to help you live purposefully and grow spiritually. I also share inspirational messages to help get you through the day. For the month of April, we will be talking about FEAR.
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