Tag Archives: Boundaries

Boundaries…Do you have any?

Boundaries

For the past month or so I’ve been reading Dr. Brene Brown’s book Rising Strong. To put it simply, the book is about rising after you fall. Even though it’s a little more intricate than that, I’ll leave it at that.

Part of rising when you fall is learning to set boundaries, knowing what you want and being real with yourself. As I’m reading this book I’m learning that I’m not as good at setting boundaries as I thought. I found that my expectations of people aren’t always as clear as I think. So as the work in progress that I am, I’m working on it.

I also found that setting boundaries isn’t easy yet it’s very necessary if you’re going to live purposefully. In her book and in this video, Brene says…

Boundaries are simply our lists of what’s okay and what’s not okay.

I know it seems so simple. But let me ask you a few questions, do you have any boundaries? Have you identified what’s okay and what’s not okay in your life? Are they clear to those you interact with in life, love and work?

So even though we are no longer chatting about focus this month on periscope, I believe that boundaries come with focus. I believe that you can be more focused when you’ve created boundaries for what’s okay and what’s not okay. It makes saying yes and no that much easier. It makes knowing what to focus on easier when you already know what you want or what you expect.

Dr. Brene asks this question,

What boundaries do I need to put in place so I can work from a place of integrity and extend the most generous interpretations of the intentions, words, and actions of others?

She goes in to say,

When we combine the courage to make clear what works for us and what doesn’t with compassion to assume people are doing their best, our lives change.

Dr. Brene further asks this question about boundaries as it relates to self worth and self-value. She asks,

How can we expect people to put value in our work when we don’t value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries?

Listen, there is so much more where that came from therefore I think the topic of boundaries is huge when we talk about focus and fear (our new topic this month). I think boundaries help us focus, keep us clear on our expectations and allow us to live in a place & space void of unwanted feelings because we are clear on what’s acceptable and what’s not. We are clear on what we will allow and what we won’t.

Do you have clear expectations of what’s acceptable and what’s not in your life?

Maybe things have gotten out of hand because there were no clear-cut expectations expressed.

Maybe things didn’t turn out the way you desired because you didn’t really know what you wanted or maybe you did but you went against that ‘gut’ feeling by accepting what you knew you should have said NO to.

I know reading Brene’s book has allowed me to see that there have been some cloudy spaces in my life that I believe have lead to frustration because I wasn’t clear on what I wanted. Or I knew what I wanted but didn’t ask because I didn’t want to seem complicated, overbearing, etc. But life has taught me that the only way real peace is created is when boundaries are created at the jump. I have to be clear on what I want and not afraid to ask for it, whether it’s money, love, time, etc.

Brene says

compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”

She goes in to say,

as miserable as resentment, disappointment, and frustration make us feel, we fool ourselves into believing that they’re easier than the vulnerability of a difficult conversation. The truth is that judgment and anger take up way more emotional bandwidth for us.

Ooooohhh that’s good…

  • Are you carrying resentment due to unclear expectations and boundaries?
  • Are you angry and resentful simply because you don’t want to have ‘that’ difficult conversation?

I’m still working through the book, so expect me to come back and share more of my ahas, but I want you to think about some of the questions Dr. Brene poses as well as those that I’ve asked. If you aren’t content with setting clear yet uncomfortable boundaries, then that may be why things aren’t going as smoothly as you’d like them to.

Part of focus is being clear on what’s acceptable and what’s not. Part of living purposefully in every area of your life, is setting boundaries that allow you to operate in your most loving and best self. It’s not about being who and what others want you be and denying yourself at the expense of others, which is what many angry, resentful and frustrated people are doing.

Are you one of them?


 

Part of living purposefully in every area of your life, is setting boundaries that allow you to operate in your most loving and best self.

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Your assignment:

Go back through these questions and get really open and honest with yourself on whether you’ve created clear and concise boundaries. If you have, great! But if you haven’t, take some time to get clear on your list of what’s okay and what’s not okay and then be willing to be vulnerable enough to have those hard, uncomfortable yet needed conversations with yourself and others.

Until Next Time…
Hug + Love + Prayers

P.S. If any of the messages I share are hitting home, make sure you tweet me, share a post on facebook or comment on my blog.  Let me know you are reading and hit me up to give a girl some love.

Ready to get out of your own way and get to the business of living?  Join me and a host of other fabulous women in the #iSpeakLife Society Private FB Group for Women of Faith desiring to Live Purposefully and Grow Spiritually. bit.ly/ispeaklifesociety

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Join every Monday – Thursday at 7:15am EST for your Morning #LifeScope. Each morning I am sharing tools, tips & strategies to help you live purposefully and grow spiritually. I also share inspirational messages to help get you through the day.  For the month of April, we will be talking about FEAR.

Not on Periscope? Download the periscope app on your phone. Search for me (TrueheartSpeaks). Follow me. Turn notifications on so you are notified whenever I am on Live.  Then be on the lookout when I’m live.

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Are you too accessible?

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Click here if you would rather LISTEN to this week’s article.

Most people who know me, know that I am funny about my time.  I don’t like people trying to monopolize my time.  I also don’t like my time to be wasted.  I like to enjoy my time the way I want to.  Through client coaching conversations and random conversations with family and friends, I’ve learned that more and more people feel the need to answer every call, every text and respond to every email every time the phone chimes.  This need to be accessible has caused many people, myself included, to miss out on opportunities or become so distracted that we waste time helping people put out fires that have nothing to do with us.

Over the years I’ve become better at saying no, but that was very hard for at one time in my life.  I felt the need to say yes to every little thing someone asked me to do or be apart of.  Then in 2003, the Lord released me from every obligation by sending me to New York, New York as a National Urban Fellow to pursue my first Masters Degree at Baruch College.  I initially thought this degree was my ticket up the career path but it was far from it.  I learned so much about myself, who I was and who I was called to be, that getting the degree was miniscule.  The degree was just the catalyst used to get me away.

During that time I resigned from all committees, groups and organizations I was apart of and you know what …. it felt great to be in a place where I didn’t have any obligation to anyone or anything but to God and myself. Well school of course… but you know what I mean.  It was at that point that God began to show me that it was okay to resign and that the world wouldn’t fall apart of I decided to resign, withdraw or just say no.  I always thought I just HAD to be apart of ‘it.’  If it was something of interest, even a small interest, I most assuredly had to be involved.  NOT SO!  God began showing me that I was too accessible to others which limited my accessibility to Him.  I was saying yes to everything and everyone but I had forgotten my first love…. HIM.  I’m not sure who this is for but you have become too accessible.  You answer every call, you say yes to every request, you interrupt whatever it is that you have going on for someone else thus messing up your flow.  My question to you is… are you too accessible?

  • Is your phone always on?
  • Do you ever just not answer the phone without feeling guilty that you missed an important phone call?
  • Do you have to respond to every text EVERY TIME it comes through?
  • Do you say yes to every opportunity that is presented to you?
  • Do you say yes to every offer to serve on a committee at your church, your child’s school, sorority, etc?
  • Do you drop what you are doing at the drop a hat to appease, tend to and fix everyone else’s issues while leaving yours behind?
  • Do you put off those things that are of the utmost importance to you for things that are of less importance?

As you know I could go on… but listen here… if you said YES to any or most of these questions… you just might be TOO ACCESSIBLE.

As technology as gotten more savvy, I have had to get more intentional about not answering every call, not checking my email all day everyday, not checking every text or not liking every post on Facebook or intstagram.  I will be the first to tell you that as a workaholic I am a work in progress.  My hubby will tell you.  I could work tons of hours if he let me.  But I have an obligation to my husband to be a wife and to my son to be a mommy so I can’t be accessible to everyone else more than I am accessible to them as well as to myself.  Again… it’s a work in progress.  Sometimes I purposely leave my phone in another room just so I don’t have to hear the notifications or vibrating of the phone ringing and to be honest… it took some getting used to but now I like it.

So let me make some suggestions on how you can be less accessible.

  • cut off your phone
  • stop responding to every text that comes in
  • limit your time on Facebook, twitter, instagram, google plus, etc.
  • limit your time on email… check your email 2-3 times a day (I am currently working on this myself)
  • limit your business phone calls. Stop taking business calls after a certain time. (something else I too am working on)
  • limit your personal calls.  Spend some time with your family and yourself.  You cannot give what you do not have.
  • learn to say no.  I’ve said this a number of times in a number of my previous posts.  You can not be all things to all people.  Learn how to let people know that now is not the best time for you to commit to anything else.  Or just say you aren’t interested. Be honest.
  • turn off the notifications on your phone and computer so that you are not tempted to take a peek at who sent you what.

Now only you know if you are too accessible.  Only you know if you need to cut some things and some people back so that you can really focus on those things that are of the utmost importance to you.  I have shared a few tools with you; the question is will you use them.  As a LifeStyle Management Strategist, my job is give you simple and clear strategies on how to manage your life so you can live it in purpose everyday.

Your turn… tell me how accessible you are?  Do you have some work to do or have you mastered this skill?  As a work in progress, even I would like to know.  I’m still trying to find the perfect fit for how to make life as a mommy-wife-preneur work for me.  Some days are easier than others so your feedback could just be what our readers need to limit their accessibility and live more for themselves instead of others.

Until next time….

Choose to live in and on purpose!

Hugs…

Detra
Life Purpose Generator – Speaker | Coach | Consultant | Mentor
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Sure, please feel free to forward TrueheartWrites to friends and colleagues, but please forward in its entirety. TrueheartWrites is written and distributed by TrueheartSpeaks Enterprises.Life Purpose Generator, Detra M. Trueheart is a Speaker and Life Coach. Her company, TrueheartSpeaks Enterprises, is dedicated to helping purpose-driven women of faith break barriers in beliefs and behaviors  so they can live IN and ON Purpose with more focus, freedom, and fulfillment.  Learn how Detra can help you create a life with more clarity, confidence and convictionhttp://www.trueheartspeaks.com
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