Why don’t people ask for help when they need it most?
What makes people think they don’t need help?
A few weeks ago, I conducted a workshop at a local college entitled,”HELP ≠ WEAKNESS.” The idea that needing help equates to weakness, being vulnerable, or shame is something that most people think but may not admit. Many people would say they don’t have issues with needing or asking for help, and very rarely ask for it. At the beginning of the workshop, I asked, “Why don’t people ask for help when they need it most?” Here are some of the students’ responses:
- “Because I don’t need it”
- “I think I can handle it on my own”
- “I will be looked upon as weak or helpless”
- “I’m independent”
- “Most times I think I know everything”
- “I think I can figure it out”
- “Too proud”
- “Don’t know how to ask for it.”
When I asked the same question with feedback from my facebook family, here are some of their responses:
- “Pride, fear of rejection, shame.”
- “Just plain don’t know.”
- “Don’t want to be embarrassed.”
- “Just feeling that you will have to suck up to hear what someone else thinks.”
- “Too proud to ask or admit I need help and afraid help won’t be there if I do ask for it.”
- “Cause the people you think you should be able to rely on don’t come through.”
- “Eventually after a bit of time and effort I will be able to do it myself.”
- “My biggest thing was I didn’t want to seem weak or that I couldn’t handle my business. At this age when you think you should have things under control and when it’s revealed that you don’t it can be a disappointment.”
- “I’m usually the one giving help, not needing help.”
What’s interesting is that most people don’t mind offering help to others, but have issues asking for help for themselves. There is a saying in direct sales that says “it is just as honorable to sell as it is buy.” I would go a little further to say, “it is just as honorable to receive help as it is to give help.” Sometimes we grow up in environments where we have never been given help and have to fend for ourselves while growing up and it becomes second nature, or have never been told that it’s okay to receive help. I think it is important to remember that no man is an island. There will always be a time where we will need help from someone. To refuse help or to refuse to ask for help, diminishes an opportunity for someone to be a blessing to you. We are blessed to be a blessing to others. The gifts, talents, knowledge, wisdom and insight we gain throughout life is meant to be shared with those who may come across our paths and may be going through a similar circumstance. I believe there are specific tests that you have been through that only you can share through your testimony.
So you ask, how do I get over myself and learn to trust people enough to ask for help when I most need it.
- Well the first thing is to ADMIT YOU NEED HELP. One of my favorite pastors, Paula White, says you can’t conquer what you don’t confront and you can’t confront that which you don’t identify. If you don’t admit what you need help with, or that you even need help, then you will never ask for help. Put your pride, shame, fear, and everything else aside and admit that you may indeed not know it all.
- Next, IDENTIFY WHAT IT IS YOU NEED HELP WITH, even if the help you need is to figure out the specifics. You don’t have to know all of the answers when asking for help. That’s why you ask for help.
- That then leads to you to ASK FOR HELP. Once you have admitted you need help, then ask for it. Some times you may not know anyone who can help you directly, but if you ask, they may be able to direct you to those who can.
- Once you ask for help, BE OPEN to the information you receive. You may get what you are looking for on the first try, but if you don’t, DON’T GIVE UP. Anything worth having is worth working hard to get. If your life depended on it, you wouldn’t just settle for the first response if it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. You would talk to more than one resource to get more information. Also, when I say be open, I also mean be open to the feedback you may receive regarding the help you need. It may be more challenging than you anticipated but that doesn’t mean you quit. Sometimes we ask for help expecting one thing and then we get another, which is sometimes what we need. Sometimes you have to be open to change, transition, and discomfort when asking for help.
- Lastly, you have to ACCEPT AND RECEIVE THE HELP. Sometimes we ask for help and then when we get it, we don’t accept it. Some of the feedback I received stated that sometimes we don’t accept help because we are afraid that someone may not be sincere. For example, “if I help you, then when I need help, you are obligated to help me.” Now I can’t promise that this won’t happen, but what I can promise is that you will never find out if you never accept the help when it’s offered. You never know, it may never happen to you. You may connect with people who sincerely want what’s best for you and who are looking for an opportunity to bless someone.
My Challenge to you:
Take a few minutes to think about and implement the following tips and questions:
- Think about one thing that you know you need help with but have yet to ask and write it down.
- What would happen if you did ask for help when you most needed it?
- How would your life be different when you asked for help when you most needed it?
- ASK FOR HELP! Think about those who could be of help to you and just ask. You never know what might happen.
Remember, nothing beats a failure but a try. Your life may depend on you asking for help. Someone may have just want you need at the right time. Get out of your own way and remember that at some point in our lives, we all will need help with something. Hopefully you are wise enough to admit it, identify it, ask for it, be open to it and then accept and receive it.
Until next time…..
Detra M. Trueheart, Your Personal Life and Empowerment Coach
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Detra M. Trueheart is a professional speaker and life and empowerment coach. Her company, TrueheartSpeaks Enterprises, is dedicated to helping you live life IN and ON purpose. If you want to find out how you can enjoy life with more purpose, passion and power, visit www.trueheartspeaks.com.
© Copyright 2011. Detra M. Trueheart. All rights reserved.
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